| I watched Oprah's show yesterday. I am still a little worried because I don't know the answer to the question we were all asked. That question is, "Who am I?" The answer is not your profession...that is something you do....as is being a parent, a religious person, or anything like that. The answer lies within each of us. We are not who we were as children or even who we were last year. We are not spouses...that is something we do...not who we are. We were all put here for a specific purpose. I don't want to tout religion, but because we are all God's children and we have been born, we were born good enough. It is a funny thing how life chips away at that knowledge as we age. I know I have let myself go in the past several years and I don't like what I see in the mirror. I also know that I am unhappy in my life as it is now. I live in an emotionally abusive household. I didn't realize that I was being abused for a long time. I married ten years ago and brought with me four children from a previous relationship. I had three girls and a boy still living at home. The kids, needless to say, were normal teenagers and came with all of the usual (as well as some beyond usual) problems. My husband started out by letting me know in no uncertain terms that my kids were heathens (in his opinion) and that I was a horrible mother. As a formerly single mom with these kids, I know I made some mistakes. I also know that I did my best. I worked and kept them fed and housed and very much loved.
He came with baggage as well. He came with two grown sons, a mother, and an ex wife. All a very prominent in his life. His kids, his ex wife (who divorced him twice) and his mother teamed up to make my life hell. They continually told him how he "married beneath himself" (although I am the one with the education) when he married me. In fact, the first year we were together, he left me at home on Christmas Eve to go to his son's house to spend the holiday with his sons, their wives, his mother, and his ex wife. Should have known then that I never made the list of things he cares about! Over the years, because I loved him, (or that was my excuse) I began to believe him that I was worthless. I believed him that he doesn't care. That is his favorite thing to say, by the way. He doesn't care about anyone but his biological family and I don't believe he truly loves them nor do I think that they love him (with the exception of his mother). His boys never call him, never come to see him (which would be easy considering he owns a truck and auto repair shop and can have visitors anytime he wants), they do not acknowledge his birthday, father's day, or our anniversary. His daughter in law actually physically attacked me in my husband's place of business. She fights like a man. I didn't know what to do so I slapped her face....once. My husband blamed me for the altercation and even told the police he saw nothing when it was him holding my arms at my sides while she pulled the hair out of my head. I was not brought up to act that way. I was raised to use my words. I have never before been physically attacked....I was afraid. And my husband did nothing to protect me....not physically, not emotionally, not in any way I can think of. I was devastated. I had a meltdown. I emotionally had reached the end of my rope and could take no more. But because I worked for my husband, I had no way to get out. I still have no way to get out on my own. I no longer work for him...I no longer work. I have looked for a job...I have sent resumes, I have gone to apply in person, I have done it all. I recently found out that after I quit working for my husband, he more or less blackballed me in this area. He and his family smeared my good name and accused me of things I did not do. But it worked! I have been unable to find a job in this area. And so, I must depend upon him for my place to sleep. I have an 11 year old grandson whom I have guardianship of. I have had him for the past 3 and 1/2 years. I can't just leave with nowhere to go when I have a child to think of. The problem here is that my grandson (not my husband's blood) is beginning to act like my husband. He treats everyone with disrespect and is fond of emotionally and psychologically torturing me. He is acting like a spoiled rotten brat sometimes. And my greatest fear is that he is going to grow up to be like my husband and his children who are very judgmental and believe that they are better than everyone else.
Now, back to who am I? Anyone out there know? I could sure use a little help here! I don't want to be the victim. I want to know who I am now and where I want to go with my life. |
